I have been one fat wad of grumpy lately. Seriously, my attitude totally stinks most of the time.
I have been completely bitter about life this summer, and almost took a break from all social media for a while (which probably wouldn't hurt) because I was so tired of scrolling through all these people's days at the beach and lake, family vacations, trips with friends, ect. while I was stuck sitting in 8 am public speaking and a monstrously boring statistics lab in the afternoons. Somewhere in there I decided that I was the victim of a terrible, cruel world where I was stuck going to summer school (that I signed up for) and everyone else was out having the time of their lives doing nothing all day everyday.
Which really just isn't true. At all.
What is true is that I am very blessed to be able to go to school period, and get the great education I am receiving. And I will probably be thankful in the long run that I am here now as opposed to later. I still have a significant amount of school left before I finish completely (including grad school), and if we are being honest, sometimes I really do hate school. It's never been my favorite, and now I look back and wonder how I was able to sit still for almost an entire day in high school. Thank the Lord for athletic period at the end of the day.
Thing is, I am very much a kinesthetic learner. I like to be going and doing and experiencing and applying what I've been told. I take notes furiously in class because if I'm not moving, I'm not paying attention. And recently (today actually) I have discovered that I have taken this restless mindset and mixed it up into how I think about serving the Lord.
Turns out I have this idea of what "good" missions and service look like, and this idea has nothing to do with giving speeches at 8am or sitting in a dark computer lab for two hours in the afternoon. In my brain I'm supposed to be packing and preparing to head to China to see some precious precious precious kids.
I have been completely bitter about life this summer, and almost took a break from all social media for a while (which probably wouldn't hurt) because I was so tired of scrolling through all these people's days at the beach and lake, family vacations, trips with friends, ect. while I was stuck sitting in 8 am public speaking and a monstrously boring statistics lab in the afternoons. Somewhere in there I decided that I was the victim of a terrible, cruel world where I was stuck going to summer school (that I signed up for) and everyone else was out having the time of their lives doing nothing all day everyday.
Which really just isn't true. At all.
What is true is that I am very blessed to be able to go to school period, and get the great education I am receiving. And I will probably be thankful in the long run that I am here now as opposed to later. I still have a significant amount of school left before I finish completely (including grad school), and if we are being honest, sometimes I really do hate school. It's never been my favorite, and now I look back and wonder how I was able to sit still for almost an entire day in high school. Thank the Lord for athletic period at the end of the day.
Thing is, I am very much a kinesthetic learner. I like to be going and doing and experiencing and applying what I've been told. I take notes furiously in class because if I'm not moving, I'm not paying attention. And recently (today actually) I have discovered that I have taken this restless mindset and mixed it up into how I think about serving the Lord.
Turns out I have this idea of what "good" missions and service look like, and this idea has nothing to do with giving speeches at 8am or sitting in a dark computer lab for two hours in the afternoon. In my brain I'm supposed to be packing and preparing to head to China to see some precious precious precious kids.
I mean, let's be real. At no point and time in my life will I ever rather be here than there with them.
But right now I just can't be there all the time. I'm not old enough to bring any of them back yet, I wouldn't be doing anyone a favor by jumping ship on school and just deciding to move...sometimes it's just difficult for me to be where I am when there are other places I would SO MUCH rather be.
This is where my mindset problem comes into play. I have decided that in order to make a difference I have to go and physically be active in the place I want to serve. While that is true in some situations, it just cannot be how my mindset is towards all ministry, because the God I serve is so much bigger than that. Fact is, he could rescue all of those orphans without me or anyone else. He's God. He doesn't need my services to make things happen. When I do get the opportunity to be used by him, it is a great honor, not something I am entitled to. And coming off of the fact that sometimes he does use me to share his love with others, I need to remember that that doesn't always mean flying to China, or staying in a mud hut in Africa. God is with me always. Even in this (terribly monotonous) lab I'm about to go to. The Holy Spirit dwells in me, I always have his love to share with the people I am around everyday. Also, sometimes the best action for me to take is to pray. Because this awesome God also happens to listen and answer my prayers, which is something I seem to always forget until I am in epic crisis mode.
So, no. Summer classes still are not my favorite. And no, I am not currently packing to go see my babies in China. But I am headed to Iceland at the end of this month for some good old school, coffee shop evangelism, which will be such an awesome and challenging experience! And in the mean time I will give speeches early in the morning, sit in stats lecture and then lab, AND try to get my heart in the right place, remembering that where and how I serve does not impact the majesty and goodness of the One I serve.
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