Three weeks ago, I started taking tap.
"How long have you been tapping your troubles away?"
This was {mostly} not inspired by Rory Gilmore. I tapped as a kid so I knew the basics, and I wanted an activity that was "fun exercise" and also would totally occupy my mind for the time that I was doing it. Since the whole being-disciplined-enough-to-do-exercise-videos-at-the-house-for-free thing worked for all of one week, tap became my new best option. So, I found some shoes on amazon, and every Thursday evening for one hour all I have to do is tap. I did not know anyone in the class beforehand, and it has nothing to do with work, or church (sometimes basically the same thing as work), or family, or holidays, or the house, or anything else currently in my life.
Personal space, guys. Real personal space.
I realize that my "stress tap dancing" probably seems like some sort of cry for help from an over-committed nut, but I promise it's not.
I'm absolutely a people-pleaser with a comparison problem. Why am I not as good at this as she is? Why doesn't my real house look like my Pinterest house? My hair doesn't look as good as hers. Oh man, she really knows a ton about this passage of scripture; I should know more about this passage of scripture! Wow, she's a really great wife...I should be a better wife. They are already having kids, should we be having kids? I should probably just offer to bring chips and drinks since I'm not the best cook.
And the beat goes on.
I felt uptight, stressed out, cranky for absolutely no good reason, and became tired of acting like a moody 14 year old. I started wondering why I had all these ridiculous expectations for myself. And realized that the person responsible for the way I was feeling was me.
I can be pretty hard on myself.
Expectations are high; grace-giving is low.
Time to re-evaluate.
I decided I was going to just flat out stop committing to things (even things I love), because that was definitely, for sure, the problem. Then, in my attempts to "simplify" my life, I read this blog post from The Lazy Genius (http://www.thelazygeniuscollective.com/ and @thelazygenius on instagram), and weirdly, it made me feel kind of free.
My brain stopped running and took a deep breath long enough for my heart to stop beating at a million beats per minute...and I sat still...and quiet...and I held my coffee mug with both hands.
What matters to me?
Reading my bible, movie nights with my husband, trying new recipes, having a clean kitchen, taking the dog to the park, having the occasional free weekend to spend with extended family, my house being a peaceful place of rest, birthday gifts, time to listen to the 6th grade girls in my D-Group, hanging fun things on the walls of our house, good smelling candles, loving people in times of crisis, mission trips, fresh flowers on the table...
I have a couple of friends who are genuinely talented, original, fabulous decorators, but my house does not have to look like that. Nor do I have to be a gourmet chef, or a theologian, or an expert knitter, or a painter, or designer, or make-up artist...you get the idea. You know what I do have to do? Fear God and keep His commands. (Ecclesiastes 12:13)
My home can and should be filled with people and things that I love and enjoy, not what that girl over there loves and enjoys. And I get to just be myself, the person God created and is teaching me to be. I don't have to compare and/or panic.
Seriously, it's fine.
My personal feelings of inadequacy and panic had no roots in reality and everything to do with my own perspective and attitude. The feelings of "must be just like so-and-so" and "must act like such-and such" were carrying me away on some roller coaster with no end, and my head was starting to hurt. I was ruled by all these "shoulds", and not seeking the One who created me. The only one who truly knows me, and who I should be, is Him.
What a relief to be fully known.
Conclusion of the self-evaluating: I thrive in busy-ness, and love all the things I do and the ways I get to serve. So, I shouldn't really say no to everything and just quit and become a hermit. That's not who I am. But in the evaluating, I saw need for some real personal space. Something that is just mine.
So, on Thursdays I tap my troubles away.
Comments
Post a Comment